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shipsnotdrugs:

so my friend and i were home alone and naturally we ordered a pizza

we had a simple request

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so when the doorbell rang we were super excited but our delivery person was this really confused old guy

he was like, “i’m sorry, but i don’t know what the heck a TARDIS is, so i drew the closest thing i could think of”

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he drew us a tortoise

god bless this man

i gave him a twenty and told him to keep the change

shaky:

I’m stuck between wanting:

1. A long lasting relationship with my soulmate who supports me and protects me and is my partner and we are completely bad ass together and in love

2. Wanting to have casual sex and rip out the heart of everyone person I meet

3. Being independent and having a loyal dog while I’m married to my career

zapidos:

My little brother and I were swimming and my dad walked out and said “it’s trash day tomorrow you know what that means” and my brother looked at me dead in the eyes and said “it’s time for you to go.”

davidisbeyonce:

You want a nose job? Sounds a little kinky but ill give it a go

zagreus-taking-time-apart:

*gets gay married during the purge*